Sun Drop Rays

2012-01-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

all i have ever been searching for is love
it's the highest priority on my list of everything that i want, need, and hope to have
and i realize that i have it

why did you leave me hanging?

2012-01-16T18:56:00.000-08:00

so he tells me...
i'm the girl he placed
out of his reach

l m f a o

2012-01-16T18:42:00.000-08:00

sitting on the chair in my bedroom..

he told me why he was back together with her,

and not with me...

"we're like kobe and shaq" he says about their relationship

"we fight a lot and don't get along, but together we make a great team"

FUUUCK! LOL

WAAAHT?????

captured

2012-01-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

a couple months ago i had this vision as i was drifting off to sleep.

i was in room. it was concrete, drab, green dreary paint on the walls.
it was dark.
my hands were handcuffed together around a bar.
i was standing there.
captured.

it was a weird vision.

glimpses of glory

2012-01-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

most days are plagued by these rain clouds over my head
thats the best analogy i can give for it. like lately these past few months i would find myself getting emotional and crying.

so yeah, clouds. and maybe one day in two weeks i would have a really good day. where my sadness didn't get the best of me. it's weird.

today was a good day though. it was one of those good days, when i get a glimpse of glory. where i felt like myself again, and i would take inspiration in with each breath. the kind i remember experiencing a few years back, when i was riding an emotional high that carried me through.

i hope it lasts more than a day this time. maybe if i could go a whole month feeling this great, then it wouldn't have to just be glimpses anymore.

What I have become

2011-12-28T20:11:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I am faced with admitting who I was in order to maintain who I have become.

It's the best way I can sum it all up in one sentence. But what I mean is, I was a drug addict. Okay. ?

And my ex boyfriend friend, who is a Rastafarian born in Jamaica but raised in Canada, asked me just recently if I would help him to open up a coffee shop/hemp shop and manage it for him.

I had never told him about my drug addiction. If i had i am sure he wouldn't of asked me. So without this bit of knowledge about me, he thought I would be the perfect fit. I'm creative, musical, artistic, a hippie. I would really be awesome at running a coffee shop and hemp store... i would be. I entertained the idea for a few days. When he started calling back to see what my answer was, I knew I would have to tell him the truth.

LOL i thought to myself. Could I really quit my job now as a career counselor with at risk youth to go run a bong shop! lol. Selling rolling papers and crack pipes to people!?

"I can't manage your coffee hemp shop," I tell him "because I use to be a drug addict."

And so goes the rest of the story. I fill him in on my life in a nutshell. I gave him the short version. I told him how I didn't so much have a problem with weed. I would still smoke it now if I could... but I can't because of my morals of where i work and my job is to encourage youth to quit doing drugs. But anyways, so really the drug problem I had was with ecstasy and then onto cocaine. And so the story goes... but the words and story don't really begin to explain the kind of life i had back then, and who I had become, and what kind of emotions I had inside of me, the people I met and experiences I had. But no one will really ever know.

So yeah. I had to tell him who I had been, I had to tell him no, so that I wouldn't lose the person I had become today.

Not my life. the rest of the story

2011-12-19T20:55:00.000-08:00

Joe is younger than me by 8 years. He works as a liftie at a ski hill. He is Saulteaux. I am madly in love with him and his family. I have known him and his family for six years. For nearly the past year of my life him and I have been seeing each other. We went snowboarding last February and there was no turning back since then.

He left his girlfriend for me. We dated legitimately for a couple months. Until he went back to her because she had stopped eating... was losing lots of weight... and threatening him to abort the baby that she was carrying of theirs.

she told him before she got pregnant that the 'doctor told her she could never have kids because of her problems she had with her menstruation' But to everyones surprise, and mostly hers... she managed to get pregnant, right around the time when Joe was trying to leave her.

So he left me. Fast forward to the summer 2010... he moves into the apartment building that I manage, by taking over the apartment his sister had been living in. I didnt even know they were going to move in, him and his girlfriend, until they had already been living there for nearly a week. His mom told me.

To end of October. Their boy is born.

To December, and Joe and I are still secretly together.

I am madly in love with him.

I have lost my mind and gone insane.

I am sad beyond anything I have experienced in the past 6 years.

But not as sad as when I lost my baby girl.

And I am jealous beyond belief of so many things.

Everyday I want to run away.

From my job.

from my home.

from my life.

I can't go on living this way.

Last night we were driving home from snowboarding. I told him I wish I could be spending Christmas with him and his family.... And I was asking him what him and his 'girlfriend' and their baby were doing for Christmas. He said they weren't going anywhere. Not to her parents house. Not to his parents house. No where. I was trying to encourage him that they should at least go to his parents for christmas because they would love to spend time with the baby for his first Christmas. He said no. And he seemed irritated that I was suggesting what he should do.

"It was just a suggesting," i told him. "why does it bug you so much."

"because It's not your Life" he told me.

the truth stings. and my heart sunk. and I don't care what anyone thinks of me for loving him.

not your life

2011-12-18T19:16:00.000-08:00

it's not your life
he told me tonight
and those words keep playing over in my head
and each time they sting a little more
and take a new meaning

it's not your life

and my heart sunk
but i tried my best to hide it
put it away until i got home
and could look at and tear up at the pain it gave me
so for now i tried my best
to stare out the car window
changing the subject
like what he said had no impact

but he has seen my sad face many times before
and i couldn't hide my disappointment from him
so he tried his best to console me and take the pain away
with his hand on my lap the rest of the way home

but the words he said
keep repeating over in my head
and they sting so bad
because they are true

it's not my life
but i want it to be

distracted from the pain

2011-12-04T18:18:00.001-08:00

maybe she just cares too much for the world
because she is worried that she desperately craves love
but it hasnt yet come her way
so she concerns herself
with something bigger than her own desires
to distract herself from the pain of living without love

lights bassnectar

2011-06-11T22:18:00.001-07:00

full moon nite ride

2011-05-17T00:23:00.000-07:00

i want to be somewhere
far outside of myself

as of right now i am
locked inside this pack
of cigarettes
just another
chain smoker
lit up

far outside of myself
walking my bike up
this hill cause i'm too
damn lazy to pedal up
with a smoke in my lips
damning the darkness
and cursing the full moon
that has driven me mad
at midnight craving
for a pack of smokes
and for another
nights embrace

sometimes i want to be
somewhere far
outside of myself
leaving behind the
holds this life has
caught me up in
attacking day break
from this hill top
knowing that
no matter how
fast i ride
i can never hide
from myself
sometimes

i want to be
far outside
of myself

sometimes i

2011-05-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

i throw myself off
with feeling too much for something
and needing to connect with love

and i can't even stand my own wanting
of things so far from my reach that
the desire becomes too much
for me to handle

so i run as far away
from outside of myself
until i feel like a different person

and i am no longer the woman that
fell in love with longing and
i have abandoned all reason

so sometimes i
throw myself off
of the top of the tallest
building i can find within
screaming distance to escape
from this feeling of being apart
from falling falling deeply in love
until i just can't take it anymore and i am
no longer that woman who needs to feel alone

.

By Nate... for Glo

2011-05-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

random poetry...

She called me a poets poet
As she packed her bags for Canada
To
Fall in love with love with love
She inspired in me that love is only dead when
You give up on breathing and that you should
Destroy it each time it breaks
And start again

She is beauty and grace
And gives me hope that
Love
Really just might be o.k……..

.......................................................................

no go

2011-04-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

i will never ask you to love me
i will never make negotiations
or demands or ultimatums
for your love

constant redesign

2011-04-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

i am constantly redefining my definition of love
and now i am redesigning my self concept
when it comes to relationships

from now on
i just want to kiss
and not fall in love;
because even falling in love
doesn't mean much

so from now on.
there will be no reluctance
and no hesitation
in seeking out affection

and my arms will hold many
these lips will not stop kissing
and it won't be just one.

i'll proclaim myself
to be a single woman
on a mission to love

everyone

but
i am no longer playing
for keeps
...................................

burned

2011-04-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

fist

holding a

cigarette

sunlight

on nailpolished

fingertips

smoke

curling up &

out the car

window

thoughts

focused on

all that was
lost with him

nothing

now but
smoke and ash

2011-04-07T19:21:00.001-07:00

No dreams of night-time fires,

No cracks of light between walls,
Not even a sprinkle of gold
At the waking hour?

end love.

2011-04-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

daydreaming along wide open roads

we were driving into blue skies

i told him all my daydreams

of birds flying overtop faded horizons

and of distant city skylines

with echoing city sounds

resonating deep into my heart

he dreams of faces and wonders

why true beauty

is always revealed in sadness

i wonder if that is how he will picture me

when thoughts trace him back

back along the wide open emotions

when we were falling in love

driving into blue skies

end poem.

end love.

sparkle... just be happy

2011-01-28T22:28:00.000-08:00

I want to be intense

and cause a riot in their souls

that refuses to be smothered

I want to be intense like I once was

before the dullness of everyone

surrounding me convinced me otherwise

wish I could just sparkle without fading out

yeah just sparkle without fading out

dare to be as open to all

they can watch it burst from my fists

i will scatter my desires

and build my fires into the day where

everyone else is hiding out

and scream that i am done

waiting for the world to let me

i want to be intense

and cause a riot in their souls

that refuses to be smothered

i want to be intense like i once was

wish i could just sparkle

seven minutes

2011-01-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

i rise
from graceful pensive poses
and walk into my kitchen
the time is 10:33 pm

supper plate is sitting on the table
and what is left makes me realize
that was tonights supper
i can't even remember eating it,
except for the plate i see now.

i realize that the time is now 10:35
and the evening has left my memory
and I wonder what I have done.
i wonder what have i become
forgotten even to myself.

it's 10:40
what happened to the time?
what did i have for supper?
what have i become?

where my heart resides

2011-01-17T17:22:00.001-08:00

tired

2011-01-03T17:04:00.001-08:00

my resolution for this new years is to stop focusing on my career.
i need to focus on developing areas in my own personal life.
otherwise, i just might lose my fucking mind.

wondered

2010-12-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

wanderlust - a strong desire

or urge to travel or wander

downtown highrise buildings what i

dream of at night when i close my eyes

wandering souls on their timelines

is where i found a thought of you

all this time i've been waiting

on some distant city skyline

redefine

2010-12-11T00:59:00.000-08:00

i am continuously redefining my definition of love

to make love acceptable

so that i can open up

to accept it more

in whatever form it may choose to present itself

________________________________________\\

i am continuously redefining my definition of love

so that i can understand and accept

why it feels like everyone loves me a little bit

but no one loves me

entirely

to the depth and meaning and affection that i need it to be

_______________________________________________

i am continuously redefining my definintion of love

_______________________________________________

taking my joy

2010-10-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

there isnt much that moves me
anymore. i don't fall in love

passion has lost its light
where i once followed it
to no end

i will not be here when
you come looking
because i have
given up on all of you

each and every
single
last
one

the age of forgotten

2010-09-06T13:49:00.001-07:00

the age of forgotten

..permed orange greying hair and red lipstick..
the old woman says to the old man beside her on the couch...
'we should get married'
but we already are, he tells her.

the years have taken away her memory with Alzheimers
as well as her left breast to cancer
and today she buries her 71 year old brother
the years have taken him away from her too

each time she asked
and each time we told her the news
she never became overwhelmed with emotion
and never even seemed to shed any tears

together on the couch wife and husband together sit
he is 86 years old, humorous and healthy
patiently repeating to her all the things she has forgotten
..permed orange greying hair and red lipstick..

prophetic dreaming

2010-08-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

the visual aspects of dreams

provide more tangible explanations

to me as 2why things are going down

the way they do

in contrast to

the silence that comes out across the line

trying to get through to you

__________________________________

i am understanding truth more

from the feelings

inside my own heart

than

from the words spoken

out of their lips

___________________________________

but i dare to bet you that i can ride

on my own intutition with my eyes closed

because the visual aspects of my dreams

tell me more truth than i have ever recieved

in the hints and subtle cues from you

____________________________________

love has always been

fleeting and predictable

____________________________________

she was always sucha sad girl

2010-08-25T07:11:00.001-07:00

the usual melancholy is settling back in now

the usual melancholy

remember to smile

remember to smile girl as you recall the

lessons of discovering yourself and no longer

feeling the required anxiety in situations

where pleasure takes over and makes you sane

learn to enjoy yourself and not feel the need

to hide away your love and passions

and your needs and wants

i can feel the usual melancholy settling back in now

and with that all hope slips away too

remember to smile girl

but its never easy to feel unwanted

by the ones you want the most

now? is it.

high hopes to teh world i luv

2010-08-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

to the world i finally love
there is no distance between my heart and yours

as lovers part
and reunite
there is not an end to the love i have for you world

Plead to Love

2010-08-14T04:39:00.000-07:00

a plead to first love

i know what it is to fall in love with someone
in a heartbeat
like a stranger
and all you need
in that moment is just for them
to know you feel it too...
the same love they have for you

i know what it is to have that instant connection
cause it's been said strangers are just friends
you havent met yet.

and in that same breath
i want you to understand
that while it is so easy for me to fall in love
with everyone
that there is this love i hold for you too
the same love that has always been there
over the years
and while it may be too much to ask
for you to give all your love to me
just let me say this
that i want to love you
as i have always wished for at 11:11
you and me forever i would say
since the first time you ever mentioned it

and the years have come and gone
and we have come quite distant
reuniting.
its too much to ask fo you to give all your love to me
because i know how easy it is to fall in love with everyone
in this very moment
but i want to love you still
from now until forever
because with you
there has always been that connection...

Pondering the Possibility

2010-08-14T04:37:00.000-07:00

there is that chance
that small chance
and glimmer of hope
AND SHE IS GOING TO TAKE IT
while the day dims
on the western hemisphere
she is flying into the dawn
all the colours of the day
explode violently inside
the heart of her
and all the possibilities
of second chances reveal themselves
too much anticipation to express in words
the love clings desperately inside
and waits graciously on her lips
for him to steal it from her kiss
all these thoughts
and more
when a true love returns
there is that chance
there is that small chance
he still loves her...

high hopes

2010-07-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

I drove south on a Friday afternoon. Present situation tore through the half a year I have been building with my current boyfriend. Nothing would stop me from reuniting with my first true love. I continued to drive south with no regrets and no expectations. Only there, was the reality of an invitation to meet by a love, I have hoped would return, for the past 9 years.

We spent the day and night together. And now my mind remains wandering in the daydream fantasy of what may be. or may not be...

high hopes to teh world i luv

2010-07-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

to the world i finally love
there is no distance between my heart and yours

as lovers part
and reunite
there is not an end to the love i have for you world

2010-07-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

this is my
best fake
smile

grin
that teethy 
lip parted grin
grin and bear it
kind of grin


jaw clenched
saying
I'm SO HAPPY FOR YOU!


the kind like
when you find out

your best friend is 
leaving the country

chasing down 
a hope and a dream

on some made up fantasy 
story of love

and you know she's 
just headed down 

that road of disappointment 
and empty heart
hollow promises


i am sending out my 
copy and pasted blessings

and hoping it will be 
well received

and your life will be happy
life could never be better

and i will continue to find
contentment
contempt

or whatever comes from
pretending


that this is my best fake smile
and i hope you think it's pretty

it's all been said

2010-07-12T11:03:00.001-07:00

its all been said
i can smile
that smile
that smile
that sweet girl smile
that lights up the room

yeah i can smile that same smile you want me too

but it wouldn't
be true
but it wouldn't
be true
no it wouldn't
it just wouldn't be true

kinda like the love stories and fantasy
that have walked in and out of my mind

it's always gotta come down
to this
it will always be about this
wanting love
and feeling lost and forlorn
thats where its disappeared to
any girl will tell you

and this is the story of
where the joy and light
has faded to
its gone
it's gone
so don't ask for me to smile
or to smile
for you

i don't wanna dance

anymore
because the love i was once promised
like the kind told to me on the pages of glossy magazines
that kind of love has all been said
and believe me
its all been
its all been

done

take a sabbatical

2010-07-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

so occupied
with defending
my space

so occupied by others

i feel so occupied

use my time
invade my mind
take my heart
as if it was
only made to beat for them

i feel so occupied
with defending my
heart

leave me alone

leave me alone

leave me alone

not you
but all the rest of them
who have taken up residence
get the fuck out

i feel so occupied

profound

2010-07-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

something profound

no matter what you say
no matter what you say

there is something profound in the way your innermost desires of the heart
are revealed without even a word being spoken from these lips to fall on these ears

the sandcastles we dreamed about on washed up shores of oceans a far
were built without our hands even sculpting them into shapes

life found me there today, sitting on my front porch step in the moment
where green life sprung from the park at my front door and i realized

no matter what you say
no matter what you say

i will be me. and time will carry on. and i will breathe in. i will become immersed.
life will take over. the day will be good. there will come a time when this smile will fade

but for now, while life and happiness pours through my veins and i feel this
profound something deep pouring out from inside of me into my day

it's this time when my mind, spirit, and body align. and i will be what i have
been intended to be by a source higher up than i have ever known.

i saw the sparkle follow me around all day today. and i believe it was from
a place beyond what my eyes could see. i believe i will be okay for another day.

no matter what they say
no matter what

misinformed

2010-07-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

misinformed bleeding hearts misinformed bleeding hearts
is all that we are now

souls damned by pain bodies
lurking in storm clouds

rain that fell off and on
throughout the day do nothing now

to awaken the trees to bud
green life into the springtime

misinformed bleeding hearts
is all that we are now, and

muted lips shout obscenities
from across the empty lot

it's much much too windy
to hear,

or even care

just live with breathing

2010-07-12T11:00:00.002-07:00

just live with breathing
as we sit underneath the sky
as it falls

watching the sunset
across the city
streets

we are kings and queens
of skyscrapers
who bow down

at the grace and mercy
of the Earth Spirit Gaia Gaia
yeah, so just
just live with breathing
as we sit underneath the sky
as it falls

sky

2010-07-12T11:00:00.001-07:00

and blue skies

i was wondering
what it was like
to be a cloud

apology

2010-07-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

to run against the wind

the wind has a way of
grasping onto my
carelessness

and now i am that girl
chasing endlessly after
windswept papers

a hundred sheets blown
with reckless abandon
to the heavens

Wisdom sails
with the wind
and time

Perchance,
no apology
is ever too late

want

2010-07-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

want more than anything

more than anything
more than anything
more than anything

i just wanted him
and that song
and that breeze
and sunset rayz
across the urban
horizon
more than anything
i wanted to chase down
that strangers face
and trace back the
night we first met
and just asked him
for his number
so that now i wouldn't
be going crazy in wonder
of what it could have been

i just wanted him
in his leather jacket
and that song
and that moment
back in time for
another chance
i just wanted him
i just wanted himmore than anything
more than anything
more than anything

everything is elusive like my love

2010-06-23T15:54:00.000-07:00

elusive
and fingers trace
along the edge
every so often

if it felt like anything at all
it might be cold
like stone

whatever it was
it's gone

and i've only the
stinging trembling
sensation along my fingertips

on my lips
like wisps of wind echoed
inside a hollow heart

to remember
what it felt like

just before the rain

2010-06-23T15:53:00.002-07:00

just before the rain

under the influence of natures pull
we ventured outside
into the sound of thunder
and the smell of summer rain
just before it falls

small town back alleys
have a magnificent desolate
kind of feel to them
of overlapping trees arching the
grey brown dirt tracks

my niece and i made our way
like children do
through back yards and back alleys
and overcast green lush paths
to find a hint of that essence only found
just before the rain

i've got my rocker stance

2010-06-02T14:24:00.001-07:00

i've got my rocker stance

i've got my rocker stance
and fuck you attitude
i'm going to
not stand here quietly

i would rather have
a revolution
than complacent-ness

but no. they are all fighting
between themselves
instead of for a cause
that is greater than themselves

and i stand here in my own
self righteousness
it's true

but at least i've got my rocker stance
and meaningless words
that would never have
made a difference anyways

wandered to the edge of reason

2010-06-02T14:23:00.001-07:00

wandered to the edge of reason

i let go of a few things

becoming more present

and experiencing more

to life than i had known

to experience before...

i became aware of a

constant craving for

the need of love and

companionship. it has

always been there

and so far, not yet

satisfied.

it wasn't

so bad to discover

my fear and

short-comings

what are you so

afraid of? having

let go of?

to have

wandered to the

edge of reason

and found the only

sane thing there is

left in this life....

awareness and

experience of

life itself.

disaster

2010-05-06T06:03:00.003-07:00

s. o. s as we 'brace for disaster'

Dear God.
not too much has changed here since the last throwdown
people still cling to their possessions

even a gigantic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico
and the news is telling us to brace for disaster
when we've already made impact

so while the rest of Haiti is still digging rebar
out of the rubble to manage for a few extra dollars
to feed themselves... and the fishermen in Louisiana
attempt for the last catch of fish this week before
the impact of the slick hits... (too late it already has)

please remember them
when you get into the
heap of junk you drive around
and you BITCH about the price of fuel
as it rises

all for the sake of
saving a few miles
on your feet.

we clung to
whatever hope we could cling to

thanks

2010-05-06T05:59:00.001-07:00

for all my friends i made along the way

you were my company when i was alone
and sat through the darkest days
of what they call the darkest days of the soul

and the music reached my ears
and clung there
as i clung to the last echos of sanity
and we all go crazy sometimes
and we know it but can't change it

while reality
the solid gold clasping of body and mind
were too much to bear and life was
overwhelming... you could trace me back
to the farthest corners of my minds
left written in code. in poems.
it was my own escape. here. now

you were my company when i was alone
and sat through the darkest days
of what they call the darkest days of the soul

now that i feel ready to face the vulnerability of
opening up my heart to others to hold
()
now that i feel ready to love again
and to step into holding the hands
of the ones who offer them to me

i thank the lonely poets
and music makers
who have been my sanctuary

you were my company when i was alone
and sat through the darkest days of the soul

content

2010-05-06T05:56:00.001-07:00

profound contentment

if ever there was a time of feeling, on the verge of this,
it would be now

there is this trick the mind plays on everyone i have observed
like when you meet someone you really like
and you begin to fantasize about your future together with them
and soon after the initial thrill, the dis - illusion is shattered

but half a year later
and one disagreement
now talked through and forgiven

i feel like i just might be finding myself
on the verge of this

profound contentment

when, then?

2010-04-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

so scratch that.
finding love again
after waiting...
fuck.

emerging

2010-04-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

chance concrete

2010-04-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

city sidewalk
along 2nd avenue
was where i scratched my name
into wet conrete along with you
and we scurried away like kids
when the lady of the house
walked out and caught us.

when our love for each other
could only be perceived
through eye contact
and i had daydreams
oh i had daydreams of me and you
and waves of e,motion would wash
through every part of me
as even my lips ached to brush up
against his skin

if the situation had been different
if we didn't have to worry about
whether we would ever be caught
in a romance that allowed our love to
be physically expressed
maybe if the lady of that house
along 2nd avenue
hadn't rubbed out our names
and we had been allowed to just be

then maybe there
would have been a chance
for you and me

tomorrow

2010-04-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

i went outside
in search of tomorrow
looking for it
while all the rest of the
sorrow, guilt, and shame
wrapped him up in yesterday

murder doesn't leave a good taste
even when it's washed down with
the own tears from our eyes

whatever the cause
whatever the reason
and whatever they blame it on
whether it was
the drugs
the gangs
the useless way he seemed to spend his days

to me
he was still a friend
a human being

existSTANCE

2010-04-09T12:39:00.001-07:00

April 2, 2010 - Friday

i exsist

even in the moments
when no one is thinking about me
when all the rest of the world
has forgotten my name, still

i exist

i breathe
and think
and move
and live on

when I was only there to be
a temporary thrill
and a rush of excitement

i exist

beyond those moments
when everyone needed
me the most
and then carried on
without me

without even a thought of me

I remember you
wherever your heart lives on
i know that somewhere
you are out there

breathing
living
laughing
and smiling that same sweet smile
i first fell in love with

we will always be
aware of the other
in this existance

love is dead, hope is gone

2010-03-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

love is dead

2010-03-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

i can't ever remember when it was that i stopped believing in love
i know it was somewhere in the last 5 years.

but i recall my own words, saying things to my lover, like the 'only thing to live for is love'
or 'i follow love' or ideas i had once had such as love was the ultimate guide and if i could live my life based on love than i would be happy

but my lover told me things like, 'love isn't the only thing to live for' or 'there are other things to life besides love'

that was 6 years ago. maybe that was when the love in me started to die.

i recall long thought out fantasies. love to me was idealic. romantic.

romance. ha what a disgusting exploitation of love. The most romantic boyfriend i ever had, just last year, turned out to be the most psychotic person i had come to know. he bought me 3 dozen roses in the span of 1 month. he started off stories like, 'remember when we first met and.... lalallalaldada' (how could i forget it was only two weeks ago, i would think to myself) yeah. my version of romance was a disgusting explotation of love used as a decoy to offset this guys own lack of confidence, in addition to his overcompensating sense of control and possessiveness he held over me. yeah. when i gave him back the engagement ring and watched as he threw it into the snowbank. love was dead for me then.

i still look around for love every now and then.
sometimes at night i think i hear him call out my name and it wakes me from dreams.
his voice echoes
but i haven't found him yet

i have come to believe that love is only a fantasy, an illusion
love only lives within ones imagination.

yeah. of course there are truly defined relationships based on love honour respect honestly and trust and such.
and yes, i love my family
but thats different

love. i am defining this romantic love this heroic white horse white knight kind of love, of passion and surrender. thats what i'm talking about. the kind of love you would give up all for. i guess that kind of love only comes around once in a lifetime. at least it feels that way.

i am talking about love, like the kind where you surrender yourself completely over to the other person and you feel as though you are standing in their skin and you are unable to go anywhere without them. that kind of love people crave and feign for. it can never really last.

love is painted up in the false images we create in our minds of what we think the other person is. i know i know... yeah, i've read all about authentic love and loving someone for who they truly are, but lets get real here. i have loved a man for the man i could see him to be, and i believed in him even when he stopped believing in himself. and i watched the fall of love and the fall from grace and i have lived to tell...

love has mostly lived in my imagination and daydream fantasy.
and one day
i don't know when that was
but
i was shook to my core
and awakened into reality
and
in waking i looked around to find love
and i could find him
no more.

sundroprays

2010-03-30T16:31:00.001-07:00

Where Is my SUNshine? I can't deal without it.

A collection of emotions, poems, and inspirations.

so many desires

2010-03-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

i had the day off from work today. it was a day off in leiu, (withpay)

and i didn't go anywhere, at least not in the sense of going somewhere outside of my own house. No i stayed inside all day. I don't have a car anyways these days. so i couldn't go somewhere even if i wanted to.

i cleaned, i rearranged my rooms. I have a high school girl living with me. She is my coworkers daughter. She is staying in the office/landlord room. it's got all my brooms and shovels and rakes and such. and it's got three desks! i put a single bed in there for her, and she's been staying here going on three weeks now. I finally just redecorated her room for her.

while i was at it. i cleaned up my room too, and my kitchen.

so here's the point of the story. i stayed home all day, but as of lately, like the past few weeks, i feel my mind has been swirly in a hundred different memories and possibilities. i feel lost in a sense of all the things i have been, and all that i could be and what i want where i want what i should who i should....
it's been almost madness and i haven't been able to concentrate very well lately.

so many desires. and i have known this inside. i know my mind is exploring all the edges of memories scattered and saved therein, and i've been turning over every possibility and looking far down each road where i stand at the crossroads now. and it's exhausting me. i have discovered the need for stillness and quiet. and i've been trying to quell the thirst of needing adventure and to go and do and be busy all the time. i've needed to quiet down. i like this space. and in it i am allowing my heart to rediscover parts of itself, like something as simple as this song i once knew and had lost long ago. it's returning to me now. i don't have to wait for someone to come along to return my love to me.

thats a good idea for another write.
return my love to me.

tepid

2010-03-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

this is all that life will ever be

lackluster
lukewarm
moderate
and halfway in between passion and indifference

but if this is all that life will ever be
i guess i could count myself as one of the more fortunate ones
i am of sound mind and body and soul

this is life
and it will ever be

all they wanna do is

2010-03-27T17:55:00.001-07:00

life

2010-03-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

i have been taking life too seriously

i am on a mission to bring you back to reality

2010-03-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

it's 5am
i am listening to your secrets through the heater vent
and i can hear your voice like a whisper

it's London
and he's calling
calling you into what you think is a fairytale romance

the way i see it sister
is like this, is that its just a damn fantasy
watercolours painted onto flimsy glass

when you realize
it's gonna be too late
and your dreams will all be shattered

and darling, like it is in London
it's always raining there
and the lies are falling all around you like raindrops

drop that facade he's been hiding behind
because this is the biggest mistake you are making
the biggest mistake of your life

and when you move overseas
i just hope it's all worth it
cause you see

i am listening to your secrets through the heater vent
you tell him you love him, and now it has become
my mission to bring you back to reality.

what would i ever do if i found out you stopped loving me?

2010-03-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

in a vivid dream of him last night
i saw my first love
in a tux

and he was getting married
but it wASN'T to me
and i felt my heart

.
.
.
.

sink

but he wasn't at the end of the aisle waiting for his bride
he was sitting off to the side
staring at his cell phone

i dream he was thinking of me
but

but

i had a dream last night
and he was in a tux
but he wasn't getting married to me

an escape of a sigh from a broken
<3
asks
what would i ever do if i found out you stopped loving me?

this is my best fake smile

2010-03-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

grin
that teethy lip parted grin
grin and bear it
kind of grin

jaw clenched
saying
I'm SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

the kind like when you find out
your best friend is leaving the country
chasing down a hope and a dream
on some made up fantasy story of love
and you know she's just headed down
that road of disappointment
and empty heart
hollow promises

i am sending out my copy and pasted blessings
and hoping it will be well received
and your life will be happy
life could never be better
and i will continue to find
contentment
contempt
or whatever comes from
pretending

that this is my best fake smile
and i hope you think it's pretty

Anthems of An Anchored Heart

2010-03-20T08:50:00.001-07:00

As the days pass I find myself becoming quieter
and retreating from developing and maintaining personal connections,
besides the ones I've already made.
Except life seems to have other things in store for me
and I am propelled forward by my already developed
m o m e n t u m .
The current is strong and I have no fight left inside of me.

As the days pass I find myself becoming quieter
and I do not want to speak a word.
I pause,
not in hesitation nor in contemplation.
I become still in my own need to be at peace,
to find a moment just for me.

Everyone seems to need some form of my time,
of my mind, of my body and my soul.
But so seldom am I truly ever granted
their reciprocation or a blessing of any form of satisfaction.

My heart remains my own.
That is one thing that I've had in my own control.

As the days pass I find myself becoming quieter.
I retreat to the safety of my inner heart
that I've managed to keep secret all this time... it's so quiet here...
(I say, as my lips form the sound of)
s h h h h
These are the
Anthems of an Anchored Heart

a hope & a dream

2010-03-20T08:44:00.001-07:00

heart closed
heart closed
watchin freddie walk these streets
pullin down his ball cap when he sees me drivin by
as he totes along his garbage bag of broken dreams and pop bottles
for some change
for some change
just waiting for a change to make them see that he's

just like a leaf fallin from a tree
so far from this cold society
yeah
like any of you even know
it's all just been a show
cause i found that the key to the door of success is doin
what one should yeah when one should
and
never having to excuse oneself

it's like a rhyme i remember from a life left far behind
when everything was just about me and i didn't know
how to really connect and to connect is to grow
and to grow is to live and to really live is to be happy
and that is what it means to be free

not just chasing after some dream of faded glory and prestige
chasing after another hit another high
another hang my head in shame hopin no one will recognize
my face
his face
it's your face
it's mine

i always knew i could end up anywhere. i could just as easily be that guy
walkin down the street lookin in all the forgotten places
where change gets left tossed aside like in garbage cans
and back alleys and ditches and disasters dead end
collecting bottles for some spare change to just survive.
that could be me. i always remembered that reality.
but today thank God, it wasn't me, but it was freddie.
this kid i knew, guess i still know
and i pray for a realization
a key
a way for him to learn to believe
to be free
and just to dream

for something better

i am cruising these streets, down these back alleys, lookin for a hope & a dream

sister

2010-03-17T21:23:00.001-07:00

where do sisters go when the day is done?
i will miss the snow when it melts

one time, i imagined that i was liquid sunshine
and i scaled the sides of city buildings
and skipped along the brick corridors

puddles formed at my feet of golden droplets
that was once me of an ever changing burning
sunrise and sunset and daybreak all in one

my sister is leaving the country
the girl i grew up watching
tv and making popcorn with
and discovering what it meant to really live
staring up at stars and nite sky

like the night cannot see the day
and when she is gone
i will recall her
the only one to know me so well

one time, i imagined that i was liquid sunshine

i will miss the snow when it melts
but God, rite now
how i miss the warm summer sun

need

2010-03-17T21:22:00.001-07:00

cause i feel the need
i was never here
to claim to be a poet
i write down thoughts and feelings

and for anyone with too narrow of
a vision and a closed off jaded <3
of course they couldn't see

the truth is i was never here
to claim to be anything
to you at all

i began with a million broken pieces
of a heart and soul and in letters
and words i tried to trace back

a pattern of what resembles
reality and stability
and honest emotion

that is all these
words
were ever meant to be

i was never here

goodnight

2010-03-16T21:36:00.001-07:00

oyasumi nasay

midnight phone calls

2010-03-06T09:18:00.001-08:00

midnight phone calls

Last night i received
his midnight phone call
and i said hello
in between sleep and dreams
to the only man i ever truly
loved with that kind of
mad passion love
that drives you crazy

last night i received
his midnight phone call
and he said hello
but it wasn't really even
about the words we spoke
at all
because there was an
aching and healing
in the breaths we shared
across the wire

last night i received
his midnight phone call
and felt my chest rip wide open
and all the love i have
for him
and ever longed for from him
came pouring in and through
these four years without him
have been so
so very long

all these private moments

2010-02-23T19:22:00.000-08:00

there are some moments in life

i know my apartment door to the hallway was unlocked because i had only just had company maybe half an hour before. oh the evenings get so boring sometimes when i decide to stay in on a cold winter day. Not having a vehicle these days makes me wanna just stay home. oh. why today. so yeah, i had company not that long ago. i answered the door in my pajama pants and a belly shirt. yeah. and so what. I am at home. it's comfy.

it's one of my previous students from where i work at the alternative school. he was in my work program last year. between being in and out of jail. he's 23 now. so he is in the apartments visiting a friend, as he often is. today he decides to stop by for a visit. I make him green tea and we sit and chat about this and that. 20 minutes later. he is out the door back over to his friends.

and life in my apartment with only just me resumes it place.

so as i was saying, there are moments in life
like uh-OH moments

where you just are not quite certain
if you have been caught doing something kinda private naughty and bad

and i keepa replaying that moment in my mind. wondering if i heard the door to the stairway in the hall just outside my apartment made the sound of closing. and if i did remember hearing that sound, or not, was it immediately before the soft yet sharp quiet knocking rapping sound at my door or knuckles quickly making a knkknknknock at my door.... or was there even a sound at all.

like UH-oh moments!

or what about those moments just before that
watching naughty videos on the web.
i swear it doesn't happen often.
it's not like i sit on the computer all day everyday searching out hot vids and silently pleasing myself to them. nO. temptation usually doesn't get the better of me. very seldomly. but today it did.

and the five minute video of a very hot black man. (reminds me of my most recent x)
I even turned the sound down quite enough just for me to listen.
this is the nail biter part.
and then just as i leave the site. and go to clear my browsing history.
the sound at my door. knknknknock of quiet sharp knuckles quietly tapping at the door to the hallway.

I stand. In all my satisfied contentment and glory. cautiously approach the door. i have two. they stand facing each other. one to the outside world. and one to the hallway of the apartment buildings. I peer cautiously the outside door. no one. maybe it was someone knocking at the window. were they peeping in? OMG what if they saw me. no the blinds are closed.

so the hallway door. i call out whose there? no one answers. as the landlady, i have a camera in the hallway with a monitor in my office. and yes there is a figure standing in my doorway. I call out again. whose there? hey... it's me who do you think it is? i hear in that familiar voice of my student who had been over maybe not more than 45 minutes before.

door unlocked. yet shut. good. i open it. well fuck. there is nobody there! i close it. i know he is just standing on the side just outside my view beside the door. but i close it and lock it! deadbolt and chain. like i should have done in the first place.

i leave him there and go to my kitchen. what do i do? i am just gonna leave him there. but he's still knocking. damnit. okay. i let him in.

'so what are you doing?' i gotta get outta there, he says, referring to the guys he's visiting upstairs. "those guys are bunk' he says.

so yeah, he asks again what are you doing. and i turn on the tv to the music channel i listen to and nonchalantly say... oooh nothing.

yeah right.

i go to the kitchen. he follows me. i start the water into the kitchen sink. i'm just gonna do the dishes.

oh yeah? why you gotta do the dishes so early? what were you doing? i know what you were doing.

Holy fuck.

Hey, you know you gotta get outta here i say.

oh. but you said i could stay

no i have company coming over soon.

what kind of company

company i say, and smile

he's already at the door getting his shoes on

the question in my mind remains.
the door was unlocked.
did he really know what i was doing?

sarah

2010-02-22T16:45:00.001-08:00

dusty faded and gray

sarah

and there she is
standing right before me in flesh and bone silhouette
with the porch light framing her from behind

as she recounts the events of the night at the bar when she saw her boyfriend
grabbed another girl spun her around slapped her ass and kissed her cheek

her face is
dusty faded and grey

"sarah"
i say
"there is no light in your face"

"no"
she sobs,
"there is no light"

cold world

2010-02-22T15:39:00.000-08:00

forgetting is my saving grace

hurry now
before the day goes by completely
and frost on trees catch sun rays
to smile back at me
(sounds pretty don't it)

well lets just escape for a moment
into this daydream of bliss

yeah
and then lets just pause it right
there

and erase it from memory

because after the let down
every sweet moment
shared before this
become a painful reminder
of the disillusionment
and denial that
led to this
hurt

forgetfulness is my saving grace
and in my perfect world i am staring
blankly out of car windows at the cold
winter sky and trees and world of
sun rays sparkling off snowflakes and frost,

while the distance widens between our hearts
yes

i am staring blankly out at this cold world
not even thinking about
you

cool sound

2010-02-22T15:31:00.001-08:00

foolish and stupid

2010-02-21T16:58:00.000-08:00

i

see patterns repeat themself

repeat

i see his lies spinning out of

control

huh, men! i want to close down

put up

a guarded towering castle

around

my heart that is falling to

pieces

delicately beating carelessly

handled

by someone who made me

feel

i feel like a fool, now theres

no

room in my heart no room in

my

heart for anyone who hasn't

yet

stepped foot inside of it and

patterns

i see patterns repeat themself

but

i cannot tell you where i will

end

up from here i feel like a fool

brave

he told me i was brave once

fool

but now i just feel like a fool

dirty pretty things

2010-02-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

all the dirty pretty things

he never even took me to his home
he took me to a hotel room
thats when i should have known
then
i woke up forgettin everything about the day before
you see i used to have faith in words
and could easily find love written in the stars
and now i feel like

just another dirty pretty thing
the way any woman might feel
like stoopid
for wanting
something more

but i woke up forgetting everything so i say
and here i am rambling
but i used to have faith in words
and now i know they are nothing more
than empty black hearts
and dirty pretty things

more like a journal entry than
what you might call a poem.

its Sunday morning.
i am drinking beer and reading facebook
huh. i got three random messages from guys
i havent heard from at least it makes the sting
in my body go away
and now i find comfort in that for a bit
while i recall the events of this weekend
with Pierre. Yes lets just be all inclusive and
give him a name

he never even took me to his home
he took me to a hotel room

i woke up forgettin everything about the day before
you see i used to have faith in words
and could easily find love written in the stars
and now i feel like

just another dirty pretty thing
the way any woman might feel
like stoopid
for waiting

they say 3 months is long enough to get to know each other
and after that the relationship should be moving forward.

but i find justification in knowing
i put my heart on the line for love
and went the distance
and played an active part in my
true love investigation
that even the i told you so
they all will delicately avoid saying
but i know that they are thinking

i find justification in knowing
that i didnt sit around playing a rules game
the kind books tell us about and all the signs
might have been there if i look closely enough
of the hes just not that into you

but i woke up forgetting everything so i say
and here i am rambling
but i used to have faith in words
and now i know they are nothing more
than empty black hearts
and dirty pretty things

2010-02-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

          the way to perceive the whispers of

          the hearts desires

          is to quiet down the world around

          and just listen to the sound

          of your own

          heart

b e a t i n g

watch as the whirlwinds
of emotions once
wildly locked inside
are now trailing off
                      into the distance
thoughts fall away too
and i envision

just
   this
       space

where therein lives my
s   m   i   l   e

feel good

2010-02-10T17:35:00.000-08:00

I feel good. this week was awesome. like if i could just hit repeat that would be great.

gone to gym
check
got a boyfriend
check
got laid
check
eating healthy
check
feeling great
check
happy
check

had to keep this one.

2010-02-06T21:04:00.001-08:00

[06 Feb 2010 | Saturday]

Subway antiquities by ricky
Current mood:The last care of the A train.....
Category: Writing and Poetry

.....

Dark accurate plunger down the successive knell

Of arch on arch,    where ogives burst a red

Reverberance of hail         upon the dead

Thundering like an exploding crucible !

Hardly articulate,                 musical steel shell

Of angsty worship, hurled religiously

Upon your business of humility

Into the iron clad forestries of hell:

Till broken in the shift of quieter

Dense altitudes tangential of your forged steel,

I am, wayfarer, terminal tunnels, infested geometries

And glut...    expansions like a blind astronomer

Dazed, while the wordless heavens bulge and reel

In the cold revery                    of lunacy.

.....

Shafts of afternoon light seem like verdure         down here,

Beneath the hurriedly hustle of   'Avenue of the Americas'

City-wide what resides,                        another dimension below

At it's third railed length. Steel grates are deemed as sidewalk portals,

Portamento screeches do echo where coins sometimes slip through.

Pedestrians soon pass, skirts sway through turnstiles,

Express tracks of working class dreams,

Local stops for impending immigrant follies...

As they once again raise the fare,             but never the bar

As we swipe these prepaid Metrocards.

.....

An excerpt from a 'Poetry in motion' advertisement

In which I read this morning, with my added interpretation.

I shall always remain streamline even as rush hour delays

Impinge           fellow straphangers.

New York City Mass Transit (the subways and EL's)

Has perhaps millions of untold commuter poems.

IRT,   BMT     and IND stanzas.

26 Lines, 468 still operating stations and 17 abandoned.

660 volts run rampant over 600 miles of Rails

I have traversed them all on my Big Apple endeavors.

.....

Ave of the Americas     is 6th Ave in Manhattan, NYC.

Metrocards         are the modern Tokens.

$2.25 is a one way fare,   still a bargain to reach the 4 all interconnected boroughs of NYC.

Staten Island has it's own railway though, with 22 additional 'stops'

Straphangers are people that must stand, since no seats are left.

.....

Even Hope has and Aftertaste

2010-02-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

With her back up against the wall,
she remembers the day that way.

And rhubarb strawberry pie, with ice cream.

Following the car down the street
that drove away with her lover in the passenger seat.
Feeling their heartbeats together for the last time.

She waited all day. He should have been home by One o clock that afternoon. She waited all day. It was already Five and hunger was set in a long time ago already. So since she was already all dolled up in anticipation of her lover's return home... it didn't take long for her to get ready to walk down Grenfell's small town main street to the Es o along the Trans Canada highway. Es o because one of the S's was burnt out from the sign.

The man behind the counter in the convenience store sold her a bottle of red power aid. Smiling real nice at him, she looked up into his eyes for some reassurance as she thought to herself 'I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty.' Seating herself, at a table for one... but really two... in the diner, looking at the menu for something to order. It was already a long day. And the heat of July or was it June. It's already fading in her mind... but she knew that she was 7 months along. The heat of the day had drained her. So had the wait. Well, if he hadn't made it home by one... that was when the bus arrived into town. She supposed he wouldn't arrive until tomorrow. And all the anticipations and expectations. The so wanted kiss and smile she so adored from his lips. Would all just have to wait until tomorrow.

So instead she ordered up a slice of Strawberry Rhubarb Pie with Ice Cream. It tasted sooo good. Certain smells, or tastes can trigger memories. So she has been avoiding that same dish since this day. But there was seriously something about that pie she remembers just tasting so good. It probably tops the list of her favourite pies. Now I understand why she hasn't had it since.

The walk home was only about 6 blocks or more. But being so pregnant and having that waddle and swagger only a women blessed with that big belly gets. It was a long walk home. But she stopped at the newspaper office, where she was the lone reporter for that quiet town, to get some 'supplies'. She remembered on the walk home having run out of toilet paper.

Walking up the driveway of the two story yellow house that was allocated for the town's reporter to live in, she noticed the curtain drawn back on the dining room window. Her eyes lit up as the realization hit her he was home! But once inside the scene unfolded into the discovery she had lost the man she loved and he was leaving her for good. All his clothes were being packed into his suitcase. His sister emerging from the bathroom where she had just finished having a bath. They must have been here a while already. Probably arriving shortly after she had left for a slice of pie and refreshing red drink of poweraide... or was it gatoraide? Maybe it was better she wasn't home when they first got there anyways. That had been a blessing to perhaps.

In the kitchen, his sister hovered around their conversation as he told the mother of his child he was breaking up with her. So they moved the conversation outside to the steps. The concrete steps she swept on occasion. They say that sweeping the steps, means company is coming. Maybe it makes it more inviting to have clean steps. Who knows really? And the concrete sidewalk was badly chipped and fading too. As was the yellow painted wooden siding on that old two story house. The faded yellow wall she now had her back up against as tears streamed down her face and she watched the man of her life, the love of her life, the father of her child, carry out his dufflebag of clothing. She can't even remember if he cried too. Or if he looked up at her from the passenger seat as his sister started up her car and made crunchy gravel noises as the tires moved over her driveway. Maybe he waved. She knows that as she followed the car, walking out to the street hoping he might tell the driver to stop the car, or maybe turn around and wave, no. It didn't happen.

She didn't run after him. She had chased that boy all over Western Canada for the past three years and he had finally brought her home, just to leave her there to be a single parent. She didn't run after him. Her belly was too big with baby inside to chase down paved streets after a car that had already gained the momentum and was being lost into the sunset.

The moments after this as she lay clutching belly and baby in hands. Only a few screams. Only a few more tears. And then numbness. She would have to do this on her own as a parent. It must have been June, cause she was already 7 months along.

The phone rang that evening. About the time she anticipated him arriving at his destination. She let it ring, and ring, and ring, and ring, and ring, until the bell faded out and finally stopped. She did not answer his call. What was there to say. Words would not have been comfort.

She thought the grief was for the loss of him. But let us not get this wrong. It was always her daughter all along. All along it was her daughter, who she never got to hold in her arms except for one day. One day only.

Nine months are waited in expectation and anticipation for a mother to hold her baby...

It would be August 25th 2005 she could anticipate the arrival of her dear little baby girl she would call her Estelle Horizon. The days in waiting for this day were mostly a blur too. Spent living with family. But she recalls times when she stood at the counter doing the dishes... and looking over at her reflection in the mirror and looking at the 8 month... 8 and a half months belly grew and grew some more....Waiting for that day. August 25th, 2005 came and went... till August 27th, 28th. As she would remember being the day the mother and daughter heartbeat was together for the last time before the knot in the cord tightened and wrapped around her neck while she was still inside of me.

Strange that I had never even known what a stillbirth was before that day. What followed from here, It was all just a blur.

__________________________________________________________

In this anger, as anger has seeped through this body over the past month, many thoughts have been released and processed. Now as the pearls fall off the necklace it comes to these two days from the past that have yet to be forgiven and forgotten. And each day will be a step forward into healing and loving. And learning to trust again in love and in my new boyfriend. I am reluctant to offer up too much expecation and anticipation into this new relationship, but unless i offer it up my all in trust and hope and faith and joy, it would not have a chance at succeeding anyways.

Forgiveness will not all come at once, but this decision in this moment could be a start. Hope tastes like bittersweet and the aftertaste of love can be like that too. Whatever it is i need to realize here is just that I know I can find my hope in love again.

Whatever it is that you are looking forward to in anticipation and expectations...
that day will come and when it comes... then it will go.

And that is that.

I call her Stella. She is not here with me.
But she is here with me.
http://www.studiodonnica.com/love.html

hope is gone... cause i ate it.

2010-02-05T20:47:00.001-08:00

hope is gone
cause i ate it.
and
i no longer
place too much hope
in expectations
anticipations
and
i no longer place too much hope
here
or there
in written traces
of my mind
and
i am
just saying
cause yeah.
all hope is gone
cause i ate it.

back door

2010-02-01T18:21:00.001-08:00

please use the back door

anger is turning me into the girl
i never wanted to be

but i kind of like her
and the nails she spits from her lips

it's kind of liberating, you know
like walking in the front door

even when the sign says
please use the back

so like i said before
anger is turning me into the girl
i never wanted to be

but in speaking the truth
i am living out my own authenticity
and it's kind of liberating

in the mirror

2010-02-01T17:32:00.001-08:00

yeah.
so while she was busy putting on her make up

the rest of humanity put their energy into building a bridge for the underprivileged
and the lost souls to find a way towards the lightened state of sobriety and joy

and while the music makers congratulated themselves at fancy glammed out
red carpet grammy and oscar shows and gave each other awards for how great they were...

Anderson Cooper celebrated real Heroes who dug wells for fresh drinking water,
housed orphans, loved their fellow neighbor, and fought for women's health

and lets not forget this shift in human nature that is happening right before our
eyes. it's like priorities are shifting.
sometimes it takes a good slap in the face
or a damn fierce Earthquake.

and The USA finally decided today that maybe
being 15 trillion dollars in debt
is NOT a sustainable way to live

And while she was busy putting on her make up
the rest of us sent intentions and prayers to
those in Haiti. Iraq. Gaza. Uganda.
On our own damn street corners. . .

This is the gravity of the situation we are in...

from disappointments bones

2010-01-26T18:30:00.001-08:00

Figuratively speaking..

I scraped along the inside of my ribs as I lay in bed tonight.
Trying to tear away at my chest to find a cavern into my heart.
So I kept scraping each rib along the left side of my chest clean, right down to the white bone. But this was going to be a long process. To Long.

The only form of release was to tear it all away. Every last muscle from the bones, so i hacked and cut at the legs, It was easy to expose the leg bones. knee bones. ankle bones. feet. And that damn pelvic bone. Damn it. And this flesh on my neck and back is so restricting. if i could just.... there.

spinal

collarbone

scalp

cheekbone

skull

exposed

it's all coming off now.

and i am still in my bed. It was quite painless. The thought that triggered this mad divine release of spirit was the memory of my German boyfriend last year, who moved here to work as a butcher at a local meat factory. When i finally dumped his ass after two months of romantic obsessive love on his part, he stalked me. But when we first started dating before the shortcomings of his heart were revealed... he stole mine right from my chest in a daydream... the kind two lovers have just before they fall asleep, a daydream of fantasy two minds wandering off to blissfull sleep. yeah. i could read his mind then, and my body jolted back to waking when i saw, knife in his hand tear through my chest cutting straight to my heart, bloody hand then tearing it from my chest and triumphantly holding it to the sky... yes. this was the daydream he envisioned as two lovers fall to blissful sleep.

and the memory has stayed there with me. and like every past lover whose ever taken advantage of this lonely heart. i needed to purge it clean. so after all the flesh was cut through off from disappointments bones, i tore through the insides. Now in my kitchen walking through the living room to the front door. these skeletal hands reach inside my own chest and tear my heart. I open the front door of my apartment thank God it's nighttime and the whole city doesn't see me standing there, all bones.

Triumphantly to the sky i tear my own heart out and taunt God with it. Like any good Christian would do, i gave my heart over to him that night. I told him he could keep it, as i threw it to the sky into the stars. Gravity didn't keep it, and it never fell back down. I threw it to the sky, cause i didn't seem to need it anyways.

maybe i will finally get some rest tonight. but these bones will never rest. so i smash them all to pieces with my sledgehammer. it's great being a landlady of an apartment building. there are all kinds of tools within reach, for my convenience. So i smash em all... leg bones, that damn pelvic bone. damn it. pelvic. and ribs. shoulders. jaw bone. it's all pulverized. and only once do i wonder what are people going to say in the morning when they find this bloody mess all over the concrete steps outside this apartment building.

but it doesn't matter. because i will be long gone before then. i leave it all behind. drop the hammer on the front lawn. watch for a moment as the spirit escapes in tiny orbs from my body into the sky to take place as stars in the heavens. and i walk away into the dark night. i travel south. i've been east and west, but never south. maybe i'll go all the way to mexico or even further. someplace where it's never winter. i fly along the highways straight down south. and i never look back.

meanwhile back in my bed. i feel like returning to my body. an energy pulses through me slowly. i wonder what kind of realm i have opened myself up to. if anything, it was liberating to destroy the anger, disaster, and lonliness i been holding inside.

maybe now these bones can finally rest.

maybe now i should get ready for work and the rest of my day.

sedna

2010-01-26T18:22:00.001-08:00

sedna is out there

sedna is madness

love in a junk drawer

2010-01-25T16:35:00.000-08:00

softer glances
with wide eyes

catch her breath
to hope for one
more chance

i am safe inside my bedroom
away from the uncertainty
there were no hints from
him of desire cast my way

and inside dresser drawers
of finer things that sparkle
and never fade

i searched for things much
more tangible and sacred

now again
with softer glances
over her shoulder
with wide eyes
seeking out
any sign
of life

and love

she wonders
if she has
fallen from
his graces

tossed aside
like love in a junk drawer
faded. im-per-fect-ed
relics of another time
another love

gone
bye.

this is me

2010-01-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

the day changes before my eyes and i am free

2010-01-20T16:10:00.000-08:00

i watch as afternoon
turns to dusk and settles
down into evenings, and nights

and the sunshine
is left behind in pools of little pockets
captured and displayed from streetlamps

light that echos off the fog and clouds
that hung in the air, there
in colors of pink and orange

the day had
had been just what it needed to be
and i watch it all transpire
from behind the comfort my picture window

i want this evening to capture
the same ease of breath
and soft touch on my chest
of wanderlust delight
of bliss

i want to be your friday night

2010-01-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

i want to be your friday night
like the kind where the day fell away
and all the patches of dirt and rotten sadness
shook loose from disappointments bones

and we were lost inside ourselves
unlocking hidden doors and compartments
where all the misplaced joy and desire
settled into while the rest of them
were too busy trying to live out our lives for us
with incomprehensible demands of our time
and pleasure

yes
pleasure
i want to be your friday night
far out there on some jungle beat
with a hint of a spin on your fingertips
lost inside ourselves
free from all the rest
of the world

from him

2010-01-18T18:39:00.001-08:00

i'm a soldier and a real poet
i see everything
i see your heart

18/1/2010
20:29

;-)
……………………………………………………………………
18/1/2010
20:29
Glo:
:P
……………………………………………………………………
20:30

Spring St. is greenwich village
i threw up on that platform in 1989
……………………………………………………………………
20:30
Glo:
i've heard of that place before. sounds delightful
the puking part sounds delightful
……………………………………………………………………
20:30

it was
……………………………………………………………………
20:31
Glo:
except i like the word hurling better, so what were you doing hurling on the platform of greenwich village in 1989?
……………………………………………………………………
20:31

but i'm just a regular human
……………………………………………………………………
20:31
Glo:
hahahahahahhaah
……………………………………………………………………
20:31

after a bottle of booze
……………………………………………………………………
20:31
Glo:
yeah.
……………………………………………………………………
20:31
Ricky:
i get jiggy with it
……………………………………………………………………
20:32
Glo:
so, why the story about Spring Street? did it just come to mind now?
……………………………………………………………………
20:32

you sent the pic
it says spring st.
……………………………………………………………………
20:33
Glo:
really?
……………………………………………………………………
20:33

on the pole
yes
……………………………………………………………………
20:33
Glo:
let me see that.......
(said matter of factly....)
……………………………………………………………………
20:33

i rode those trains my whole life
……………………………………………………………………
20:34
Glo:
thats cool.
……………………………………………………………………
20:34

that's chinatown
greenwich village outskirts
……………………………………………………………………
20:34
Glo:
i will go there soommeday...
i have a call...
……………………………………………………………………
20:36
Glo:
i'm back
……………………………………………………………………
20:36

oh really
……………………………………………………………………
20:36
Glo:
sweet. you had a keen eye there to notice the street sign
……………………………………………………………………
20:37

i'm a soldier and a real poet
i see everything
i see your heart
not superficial nonsense
……………………………………………………………………
20:38
Glo:
can you see my heart beating like a hammerrrrr?
……………………………………………………………………
20:38

no
……………………………………………………………………
20:38
Glo:
that is probably the most
……………………………………………………………………
20:38

i see you as a
……………………………………………………………………
20:39
Glo:
thanks Ricky.
i'm flattered.
……………………………………………………………………
20:39

a woman that would be genuine
but afraid in a way
of dealing with emotions
like myself
……………………………………………………………………
20:40
Glo:
i have a good reason to be afraid. well maybe i did once,
……………………………………………………………………
20:40

in a way
……………………………………………………………………
20:40
Glo:
but not anymore... at least i shouldn't be anymore
but ...
……………………………………………………………………
20:40

we all do
……………………………………………………………………
20:40
Glo:
it's still there
i'm a soldier and a real poet i see everything i see your heart
that was beautiful Ricky.
Thanks.
i'm keeping that locked and stowed away...
……………………………………………………………………
20:43

he he

when, then?

2010-01-16T01:59:00.001-08:00

i guess it's true
i never
you neverreally cared

oh fuck i say
as the taxi cab drives up to the yard
of our frienda
and everyone piles outta the cab

i am here
watching as he
exits with she
as she exits with he

oh fuck
what next

i am sayin
what next
what then
and walkin home in high heeled boots
and snow
like bambi

watch me
as i
f
a
l
l

and i hear you say
you would never love
me
again

are you here with me

2010-01-14T20:51:00.001-08:00

i drew a line in the sand
and very few

dared to cross it
cared

what i thought about to day

2010-01-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

all day.
when my mind could find a moment to escape to that place... where only i know exists
i thought about what it might be like
i thought it might actually be possibly a reality
that i would get back together with my first love

just this thought alone
made my lips form a slight smile and made my eyes flash
and an energy stirred inside of me

and i remember what it feels like to think each morning as i wake up beside the one i love how lucky i am to be staring at those familiar tattoos on his back, i took for granted so long ago.

and i recalled the mistakes i had made that sent him from my life
and i hoped that maybe he would have forgiven me for those times
and realized they were just mistakes
you see when i was young, i made mistakes in love, that cannot be undone

but today i thought for maybe
he would come back to me
and maybe let me love him again for the rest of my life
see it doesnt matter if he lets me or not.
i still do love him
it's impossible to forget your first true love

a single woman ponders the possibilities of love

2009-12-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

a single woman ponders the possibilities of love

************************************************************************

i would really just like
another chance at making this work
instead of creating this distance
when all i want is
closeness

and he has granted it to me

************************************************************************

as i lay on my pillow
and ponder the thoughts of loving him
and loving him too
and knowing that he is loving more woman than just me
(in all honesty)
i accept that maybe its alright to give my heart
to more than just one man
at this point in my life

this thought alone creates so much less of
a struggle in my mind
and makes my heart
feel at ease

************************************************************************

scent

2009-12-12T10:37:00.002-08:00

the floodgates have been opened

2009-12-12T10:37:00.001-08:00

the floodgates
of my heart have
been opened
and the water
is rushing through
each molecule
inside of me now

and I am all surrounded

the water washed
through me past
dark tunnels
underground
the waters that
carry us through
what could be
called life

i stood water rushing past

at the edge
staring straight
down into this
bottomless void
and be not afraid
was I to stand at
the edge of it
and let the waves

carry me down into it all

it feels so good
falling in love
again
with
life

winter solace on my snowboard

2009-12-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

i wanted to fly down mountain sides
and know the taste of the clouds
as they froze on my eyelashes
get lost in powdered snowbanks
gliding through the evergreens

wake inside to window views of
sunrises bursting all the colours of mornings
cresting off the boulder peaks of
The Three Sisters, Mount Fernie, and Blackcomb

yeah, if there had been a way
I'd give it all up just to live it all like that again
I'd waitress nights in bars to spend
days on the slopes, anything for a chance
to live in that elevation

i was all these things
and i dont have to yearn for it anymore
because my spirit will always remain there
these mountains know me by name
home, i will be there soon

tell me

2009-12-05T14:43:00.000-08:00

i wanted to know
if you would love me forever

brief flasssshes

2009-12-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

life is just
brief flashes
of inspiration

Clarity

2009-11-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

♦
All I ask
Is for the truth.
Give me clarity
and peace of mind.

A woman's heart
is not to be taken
advantage of
is not to be
negotiated for
and don't lead
me into false
promises

All I ask is this.
♥

I feel confused . All I ask Is for the truth. Give me clarity and peace of mind.

A woman's heart is not to be taken advantage of and don't lead me into false promises.

This may be my last question, and there is no need for you to answer.

Clarity. All I ask is this.